


Space Sucks

by E350tb



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universes, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E350tb/pseuds/E350tb
Summary: Lars, Sadie and Emerald get a strange contact in space.





	Space Sucks

**Space Sucks**

The great void of space was dark. It was empty. It was cold. It was either the entire presence of nothing, or the overwhelming absence of everything, depending on how you looked at it. There was no one else around for millions of light years. They were completely alone in a pitless universe, on a plane of inky blackness where all manner of horrors could be awaiting them after the next jump.

And top it all off, the only food they had was eight packets of astronaut ice cream.

Lars wrapped his hands on his chair, waiting impatiently for the warp drive to charge up again. It had been on the fritz lately for reasons that were Absolutely Not His Fault, and he’d need to ask Peridot to have a look at it when they got back to Beach City. In the meantime, there was nothing to do but wait.

As he was looking out the window and coming to the increasingly obvious conclusion that there wasn’t exactly much to look at, Sadie emerged from the engine room. She slumped down next to Lars and sighed.

“Still gonna be about ten minutes,” she sighed.

“Ugh!” Lars ran a hand through his hair, “Can’t we just jump now? I mean, I _know_ the manual says we’re only supposed to jump at low change in extreme emergencies, but you know what? They say you shouldn’t cross on a red light and I’ve done that hundreds of times!”

“Yeah, but… this is _very_ different,” replied Sadie, “I mean, I sort of don’t want to be splattered all over the galaxy, you know?”

“Yeah, fair enough. Well, at least Emerald’s keeping quiet for…”

“Lars, you hideous off-colour renegade! This astronaut ice-cream is _outstanding!_ ”

Emerald marched onto the bridge.

“...aaaaand speak of the devil,” sighed Lars.

“So, Captain,” said Emerald, shoving three packets of the processed foodstuff into her mouth, “Rutilesh shent me up. We’re being hailed.”

“Hailed? By who?” replied Lars, “There’s no ships!”

“It’sh cloaked.” Emerald swallowed hard. “It looks very similar to ours on the scans. If it’s a copy of the _Sun Incinerator_ , I swear I’ll get a Zircon and I’ll…”

“Alright, put it on screen.”

A screen appeared before them. It fizzled and crackled for a few moments, but before long, it painted a clear image.

A clear, frankly bizarre, image.

The three figures that now looked back at them were nearly identical to themselves - except they were very short, had extremely large heads, no visible necks or fingers, and seemed vaguely… _simplified_ in design.

“My name is Captain Lars of the Stars of Dimension CH-1-B1!” said the other Lars, in a bright, exaggerated tone, “We flew through a big ol’ wormhole and now we’re trapped here, bingo bongo!”

There was a long silence.

“I hate this,” said Lars at last.

“Uh… we’re from Dimension… One,” replied Sadie, awkwardly scratching the back of her head, “What's up with you guys?”

“Well _gee_ , other Sadie!” replied CH1B1-Sadie animatedly, “We were just hoping you'd give us a hand finding the wormhole again!”

“AND IF YOU DON’T,” screamed CH1B1-Emerald, “WE’LL BLOW YOU OUT OF THE SKY!!!”

CH1B1 Lars and Sadie laughed, putting arms around the tiny green gem.

“Oh, Emerald!” they exclaimed, “We love you!”

“Okay,” said Lars wearily, “What is this crap?”

The CH1B1 crew gasped in extremely exaggerated fashion.

“Oh my _golly!_ ” exclaimed CH1B1-Sadie, “You said a _bad word!_ ”

“You’re gonna have to wash that mouth out, mister!” said CH1B1-Lars, waving his finger.

Sadie burst into giggles. Lars’ expression darkened and he slumped in his chair.

“ANYWAY,” screamed CH1B1-Emerald, “TELL US WHERE THE WORMHOLE IS, OR ELSE I’LL-”

A low, dark chuckle filled the room, and a second video channel opened before them. Lars shuddered involuntarily as the screen began to clear up. Who was it now? Were they a threat? And why did they sound like Bruce…

The screen cleared up.

A gigantic man stood before them, holding onto a thin, strawberry blonde woman. He wore the same outfit as Lars, but the sleeves had been ripped off, exposing enormous muscles, and the cape had been discarded. His skin was pink, but only mildly so, as if he had been designed by an artist who was embarrassed to work in such pastel colours. He was bald - if this was an alternate version of him, how was anybody supposed to access the portal in his hair? The woman looked only vaguely like Sadie - she was too tall and lacked in both fat and muscle. Their bodies were strange, as if somebody had taken a photo and added far too much detail to it - and what was with their eyes? They were _tiny!_

“Uh… you another me?” asked Lars, slightly intimidated.

“I am Captain Lars J. Barriga of the _Sun Incinerator_ ,” the man drawled, “I hail from Dimension GR1T. I’m you, but I have the _stones_ to do what’s _necessary_.”

“Oh… uh, cool, um, where’s your Emerald?” asked Sadie.

“I ground that scum-sucking…” BEEP. “...beneath my boot,” growled GR1T-Lars.

Emerald’s eyes widened and she took a step back.

“I think there’s something wrong with your transmission,” said Lars, “It just beeped.”

“There’s _nothing_ wrong with my ship, you…” BEEP. “...sucking sack of…” BEEP. “I’ll bleed you…” BEEP. “...white…” BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEP. “...with a butter knife.”

“Cool story bro,” said Lars.

“ _Gee willikers!_ ” exclaimed CH1B1-Lars (Lars winced), “You need a lesson about caring, my friend!”

“I’ll strangle you,” said GR1T-Lars.

“Good luck finding his neck,” Sadie interjected.

“Okay, okay!” Lars threw his hands up. “Before we keep going, are there any other alternate Lars’ I need to worry about?”

“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!_ ”

A voice, singing majestically, came through on the comm system.

“We weren’t doing anything, you fool!” exclaimed Emerald.

A third screen appeared. This new Lars stood on his chair, having just sang out his long note. He still had his old skin tone, and his hair looked like it had been dyed or sprayed pink. He was with Sadie and Emerald, the latter of whom looked more like a human in costume than a gem. Their clothes were _just slightly off_ , as if they’d been picked out from a costume department.

The new Lars nodded and stepped forward. From seemingly nowhere, a background music track was playing.

“My name is Captain Lars  
and I am from another sun,  
I am from another world,  
we call it 24601.”

“Oh no,” said Lars.

24601-Sadie stepped forward.

“We have sailed through a wormhole,  
And we’re now stuck on this plane,  
Could you be of some assistance?  
Were it you, we’d do the same.”

“Great!” exclaimed Lars, “Broadway Lars! _Fantastic!_ Tell me, can this get any dumber?”

“Oh no.”

Emerald was staring at a console, her hands shaking.

“Em?” asked Sadie, her voice shaking slightly with worry.

“We’re getting more hails,” said Emerald, her voice filled with horror, “We’re getting… we’re getting _all_ the hails!”

Lars, Sadie and Emerald watched in utter terror as dozens and dozens of screens appeared before them.

“Hi, I’m Captain Lars!” said one Lars, who seemed to be styled like one of Ronaldo’s animes. His words did not align with his lip movements. “If you help us get home, we’ll share some of our delicious jelly donuts!”

“...this is the _Sun Incinerator_ ,” said a geometric, yellow, plastic-looking Lars with claws for hands, “This is the last time we let Benny fix this thing…”

“...this is Captain Sadie of the _Sun Incinerator_ ,” said a pink-haired, pink-skinned Sadie, “I need… wait, _Lars?_ What?”

“Co-captains Peedee and Jeff, need some help here,” a pink Peedee grunted, “Am I gonna have to hold here?”

“...look, I’m not even gonna ask,” said a Sadie who looked normal, save for the red eyes and the rem gem poking out from under her shirt.

“ _WHAT’RE YOU PEOPLE DOING WITH MY SHIP?!_ ” screeched an Emerald, who’d looked fairly similar to the normal one.

Lars jumped off his chair and turned to the stairs down to the engine room, his face blanching.

“ _Rhodonite!_ ” he shouted, “We need to jump _now!_ ”

“It's just finished re-charging, Captain!” Rhodonite called back.

“Jump! _Juuuuuuuump!_ ”

Emerald slammed a button on the console.

With a dull bang, the _Sun Incinerator_ engaged warp speed, leaving the massive, quarreling collection of _Sun Incinerators_ far behind. As soon as he was sure that they were gone, Lars slumped into his chair, mopping his brow.

“I hate space,” he sighed.

“Agreed,” Sadie and Emerald muttered.

There was a long silence.

“Uh, Em?” said Lars, “Something just landed on your nose.”

“What?”

Sadie took a closer look at the tiny yellow bug that was now flying off of Emerald’s nose and around their heads. She shook her head mournfully - _that wasn’t a bug_.

“It’s… it’s a tiny _Sun Incinerator_ ,” she sighed.

Lars shook his head and got up.

“Whatever! We’ll deal with it later!” he snapped, “I’ll be in my bunk.”

And with that, he stormed off the bridge.

**Author's Note:**

> My fourth and last entry for the corrupt-a-prompt challenge. This one was 'Lars, Sadie and Emerald; they hate space.'
> 
> This was fun. Silly, but fun!


End file.
